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The hall was silent. The moment everyone was waiting for had come. “Do you James Washington take Rose Mary to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death you do part, according to God’s holy law?” The grey haired priest asked. Everyone was anxiously waiting for an answer.
James alias Jaymoh was highly disturbed. He seemed anxious. The expression on his face showed some element of disgust. He seemed to ask himself, ‘How the hell did we even get here?’
James had been employed in one of the Blue Chip companies in Kenya. He was earning a salary that many Kenyans would consider as ‘good’. He was living in one of those gated-community estates with very exquisite names. Everyone from his humble ghetto in Githurai viewed him as one of the few people who had made it in life. He was driving a 4X4 vehicle which many people refer to as gari kubwa and had earned himself some titles including mkubwa, kiongozi, chairman etc. Ladies, on a serious note, if you hear your man being referred to as Chairman by his friends, my sister, run and don’t look back. If you do, you’ll have yourself to blame.
On this particular day, James had gone out with his friends and they were having some expensive drinks whose name they couldn’t pronounce correctly. Having taken some few shots of a certain ridiculously expensive drink that is said to be from Russia and has a 48% alcohol volume, James spotted a fine mama from afar. He smiled at her and she smiled back. Jimwat once said ‘si unanilike, na mi nakulike so tunalikiana. Si una psyche na mi nina psyche so tuna…..’ His friend Kevin was the incitor. ‘Jaymo, maze si umenice ule dem hadi anakusmilia tu. Brathee, wacha kulalia maskio. Ingekuwa mimi…’ So typical of Kevos
The 48% in James gave him courage to go approach the chile or better yet the Yenks. SMH, who even comes up with these names? ‘Mi naitwa Jaymoh but unaweza niita kwako halafu uniite wako’ he started. ‘Aki you,’ she replied. A lot of sweet nothings were exchanged and finally, the phone numbers were also exchanged but in order to make an impression, our guy got his wallet, chucked out his business card and gave it to the lady. He insisted on buying her a bottle of her favourite drink after which she whispered in his ear, ‘call me.’
Fast forward to three days later, the lady calls him. ‘Ala, you guy kwani number yangu ulikuwa unachukua number uende ukarembeshe nayo simu? Kama huitumii, nirudishie.’ Our guy was lost for words. He had no come back to that. ‘Fanya hivi, si we go out for lunch kesho at a place of your choice?’ Jaymo said in an effort to calm the situation but the lady was just teasing her. ‘Lunch is for small girls. Why not dinner at your place?’ She said. Jaymoh was taken by surprise.
Woah, our guy is that one person who can’t cook, not even to save his life. He weighed his options and accepted the offer hesitantly. He hired someone who came and cooked.
‘Ding dong’ the doorbell rang. ‘Just a minute.’ James shouts. Quickly, our guy decides to put on a chef’s uniform, and places some water to boil. He applied some tomato sauce and other colorful spices to appear as if he was cooking. He goes to open the door with a cooking stick on his hand. They exchange pleasantries and she is ushered in. James steals a glance at her behind and smiles.
She is ushered into the dining area. Na hii nyumba yako ni safi. Labda nitakaa hapa halafu nipate nimechomwa uso na acid? She asks in a sarcastic manner. This is a tactic that she was using to determine the existence of ‘the lady of the house’ or simply put to indirectly ask James if he has a wife or a girlfriend. Jaymo laughs and says, uchomwe na nani? She is somehow satisfied but still not fully. She says ‘Hii nyumba ni safi sana’ to insinuate that James cannot be that responsible. He plays a fool and says ‘Thank you.’
They partake of the delicious food that James allegedly cooked. She praised him for his culinary skills. As they ate, they made silly jokes to which they laughed at. They also gave each other a lot of false compliments and sweet rhetorics. After the meal, they drowned a bottle of wine and watched a movie and by this time, they had already become very cozy.
All this while, James’ mind was working in overdrive mode. ‘How do I convince her to stay for the night?’ The trick about the area being insecure came to his mind. The lady had already made up her mind that she would spend the night at his place but would not openly show it.
‘Thank you for the invitation, I had a wonderful time. Mimi nadai kuishia. Kesho niko job’ She said. ‘Waaah, na vile ni late? Hii place haikuwangi safe usiku. Juzi tu kuna wasee wamemadwa na mwingine ako hosi saa hii’ She pretended to be scared and hugged him. She smiled knowing that she had accomplished what she had planned was falling into place. Our guy also smiled thinking that it was his trick that had worked little did he know….
They decided to watch another movie but they did not watch it to the end because, Netflix and Chill…..Next morning, Jaymoh woke up to the sound of cracking eggs. He stretched his hands and smiled with a sense of fulfilment. He went downstairs to find his guest wearing one of his long T-shirts. She had made him breakfast but he viewed the guest as breakfast also if you know what am saying. They took breakfast and he dropped her at her home. They continued chatting on phone and having sleep overs oftenly.
Few months later, Jaymoh receives a text message from Mary. It reads ‘We need to talk urgently.’ She then calls him but he doesn’t pick any of her calls. Within 5 minutes, his phone was reading 23 missed calls. If there is one message that scares the hell out of any man even the one who seems to be very brave, it is the ‘We need to talk’ text.
What is it that had caused her to be so distressed? Apparently she had conceived and it had been confirmed that she was expecting twins. Her mother had noticed that she was pregnant and decided to chase her from their home claiming that Rose had brought shame to her.
She moved To James’ house and since she had his spare key, she moved in. She had come with her clothes and other personal belongings. James came home in the evening and was surprised. He asked, ‘Unafanya nini hapa?’ She answered, ‘Mum amenifukuza akaniambia niende kwa baba ya watoto’ Angrily, he asks ‘Watoto wagani?’ to which she points at her belly and affirms, ‘Niko na mimba yako na ni twins.’
James snaps back to reality and remembers the question asked by the priest. He clears his throat and opens his mouth. Did he say ‘I do’ or did he say ‘I don’t’?